Anger is not always a bad thing. Paul said, “26 “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27 and do not give the devil a foothold. Ephesians 4:26-27
NIV. Paul was inspired by the Holy Spirit to say what he did (1 Corinthians 2:10-13). He knew that Christians would become angry, but warned them not to sin when it happened.
Jesus had no sin and yet he, at times became angry (not a rage, but angry, disappointed in His Jewish brothers). Mark 3:5 He looked around at them in anger and, deeply distressed at their stubborn hearts, said to the man, “Stretch out your hand.” He stretched it out, and his hand was completely restored. NIV. Jesus was angry when He saw the legalistic, unloving attitude in His Jewish brethren over healing a man on the Sabbath. He did not strike them, demean them, nor give in to them. He did what was right – he healed a man who needed healing.
As Christians, we must control our anger and disappointments like Jesus did.
Anger can work for us to give us strength, determination, and satisfaction. Anger can also work against us if it causes injury (physical or emotional) or harm. Anger, not controlled, will bring about a lack of patience, love, and compassion. It will drive wedges between husbands and wives, friends and neighbors, employers and employees. Anger must be recognized and managed!
MANAGED AND DEALT WITH PROPERLY, WILL CAUSE HARM
Suppressed anger is being angry, but giving the impression that everything is going along fine. Suppressed anger is dangerous because it is not seen until it explodes unexpectedly.
Those who suppress anger are, often, perfectionists. They never want to appear to be rattled or weak, so they stubbornly maintain a veneer of existing above problems associated with anger. When an anger-producing circumstance occurs, these people stoically put on a “good” front and appear to feel no tension at all. They might even express surprise that anyone would assume they might be angry. “Am I angry?” “No, really, everything is just fine.” They are telling themselves and others lies, but they may not see them as lies. They have trained themselves to look and act calm when in reality they are upset. Not only are they upset, they do not forget the event. When this kind of anger eventually surfaces, it explodes! It keeps building – one event after the other until it gets to a boiling point and then it blows up. People who are at the receiving end of the explosion are shocked because they thought the person was “just fine.”
When most people think of anger, they imagine open aggression. This is the category of anger that includes explosiveness, rage, intimidation and blame. However it is not limited to these extreme forms of expression. It can also include bickering, criticism, griping, and sarcasm. Open aggression arises from a focus that so strongly emphasizes personal needs there is a powerful insensitivity to the needs of others. Foul play is therefore virtually guaranteed.
Some people are determined not to succumb to the temptation to be rageful in their anger. Rightly recognizing that open aggression creates an atmosphere of great disrespect, they refuse to explode loudly and get caught up in games of verbal abuse. But these people can actually develop a too-strong determination to resist ugly anger. By doing so, they become susceptible to passive aggression. Many of these people already have a habit of suppressing anger.
Like open aggression anger expressed through passive aggression involves preserving personal worth, needs, and convictions at someone else’s expense. But it differs in that it is accomplished in a quieter manner, causing less personal vulnerability.
This kind of aggression is viewed by the person who openly expresses his/her anger as cowardly, deceptive and cunning which makes the open aggressor even angrier. When two people get married and one is openly aggressive and the other is passive aggressive, there is a guarantee of real conflict until the two can work out their differences in an honest and caring way.
If anger is defined as preserving personal worth, needs and convictions, then assertive anger means this preservation is accomplished while considering the needs and feelings of others. This form of anger can actually help relationships grow. It represents a mark of personal maturity and stability.
In years past, the word assertive has been used extensively by persons who advocate very forthright positions. As a result, many people came to think of the term as meaning pushy or abusive.
True assertiveness is not abrasive, nor is it meant to harm. Ephesians 4:26 gives a green light to assertiveness by telling us, “Be angry, and do not sin.” This means there can be times when it is healthy to address concerns about personal worth, needs, and convictions, but it should be done in a manner that keeps the door open for ongoing love.
A tired mom can tell her family she will take a thirty-minute break with no interruptions.
Spouses can talk about their differences, offering helpful suggestions without raising their tone of voice or repeating their messages incessantly.
A family member may choose to pursue an independent activity instead of succumbing to the persistent demands of extended family.
There are times when it is normal to take a stand on your relationships. Your goal will be to communicate your emotions in a constructive fashion.
If you feel disrespected, overly pushed, bullied or ignored and you do nothing to properly address your needs, eventually you will become sour and your contributions to relationships will be negative. Assertiveness allows you to keep a clean slate with others.
Two key reminders will help you learn to communicate assertively: (1) Make sure the issues receiving your attention are not trivial. Instead, expend your emotional energy on subjects that
really matter. “Don’t sweat the little stuff.” But it is legitimate to address annoying social habits. These affect how people look at the person with a problem and the spouse who lives with them.
(2) Be aware that your tone of voice can help create an atmosphere of respect for others. This is consistent with Ephesians 4:15 Instead, speaking the truth (assertive) in love (tone of voice, manner, body language), we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ. The Bible teaches faithful Christians to be assertive, but in a loving way, having the good of the other person in mind. Ephesians 4:29-32 - 29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. 30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. 32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. NIV
Using the rules of dialogue will help you be assertive (communicate your feelings, convictions, and desires) without conflict if both parties are willing to agree to and follow them.
RULES FOR DIALOGUE
Dialogue and rules for dialogue work only when two people agree to do it, follow the rules without exception, and stick with it.
NOTE: It is essential to have agreement on the part of both parties that they enter into dialogue before beginning each and every time. This identifies what you are about to do so you can follow the rules of dialogue, otherwise you will revert back to arguing and etc.
Dialogue is not solving problems (initially) but a means of expressing oneself and getting one's feelings out in the open so the other person will understand where you are coming from and how you feel about things.
Dialogue is not to be used to vent one's anger and say hurtful and hateful things just because you are allowed to talk freely. If you really feel anger, just say, "That really
makes me angry!" You may even put some emotion into your expression, but you do not want to get the other person's defense system engaged as in a state of combat. The design for dialogue is to be able to express feelings in a tactful, honest way.
Dialogue must never be accusative, threatening or judgmental. All of these things put those we are conversing with on the defensive and they will not listen because they are busy building their defenses.
a. Wrong approach: "You are always coming in late.” "You never take out the trash;" "I'm sick and tired of the way you are always putting me down...etc.
b. Right approach: "I would be happier if you would try to get here on time more often.” "It would really help me if you would help take out the trash more often;"
c. "The way you talk to me comes across to me as a put-down and this really affects the way I feel about you.” "It sounds like you are saying, although it may not be so.."
5. If you are into dialogue and one of the two of you forgets or looses control and becomes angry, postpone your dialogue until another time without pointing out the fault of the other, reminding them they agreed to follow the rules and one of them was not to get angry. If you both go over the rules and agree to follow them, you can follow this rule to postpone your dialogue. "To err is human."
If you see the other getting angry just ask, "Would it be better if we postponed our
dialogue until later?" You may find it difficult to be nice and not become
emotional like the other but if you stick to the rules and do not defend yourself even when the other one is upset, you will be showing that it can be done and that you are really interested in communicating rather than arguing.
6. Discuss only one problem at a time and don't get off on something else, stay with one issue!
7. Do not bring up the past, keep dialogue current. There are exceptions however. It may be that something happens and you are so angry at the moment you could not dialogue right then. Postpone it until the next day when you have cooled down and can do it calmly, your judgment will be better and you will be able to think clearer. You should however, take care of anything within twenty four to thirty-six hours, and this will keep you current.
8. Never dialogue or discuss problems, soon before, during or directly after a meal. You cannot digest your food properly if your stomach is in knots! You are tenser at this time also.
9. Never dialogue within an hour of your bedtime. You need to have your mind relaxed before you can get the proper rest.